What can I say?

We have been so emotionally and physically drained. I know our blogging has been few and far between. I think the duration of this all has been wearing on us. At least, I will speak for myself.

Over the past few weeks, I have had many crying spells wanting things to just go back to normal. But I understand nothing will ever be the same again. I remember one Sunday afternoon visiting Daddy while he was still at St. Francis. All I could do was just hold his hand and pray over him. He was trying to say some things and I could not understand what he was saying...somewhat as usual. But I could see the hurt in his eyes and I in turn, was hurt for him. I think that was the day I started crying while driving home and it has been that way ever since. Or finally getting home and being terribly irritated if not already crying.

The running down the staircase thing still bothers me terribly. One night, Pico came home from work and after eating upstairs in the kitchen, he ran back down the stairs. I remember jumping out of my sleep, my heart beating rapidly and I just started to cry. It's like flashbacks. Last week, Nuk somehow got something in her eye and it was stinging. Screaming at the top of her lungs (I could hear it through the floors downstairs) and running to Marna. This all made me fly out of my room to the bottom of the staircase yelling and screaming upstairs, "WHAT IS WRONG?!? WHAT HAPPENED!?! GIRL, WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING!?!?" Again, flashbacks. My heart was racing...and of course, I started to cry. When will the trauma end?

Our schedules are sporadic, and we are just drained. We are taking turns going to the hospital, but it takes so much out of you. Especially, when Daddy does not respond the way you would like him too. Some days are better than others for him. Sometimes we arrive only to find out he didn't really participate or cooperate in his therapy sessions. That is always disheartening. We want him to get use to being up and alert, which is not always the case.

We are trying hard to keep positive and upbeat, watching we say or what we are confessing over him and ourselves. We don't want to fight against or delay what God has already spoken over Daddy.

I have days when I am a fireball praying and confessing the specific promises over our family and then I have days when I just want to crawl under a rock, give up and tell everyone to GO AWAY...please. Lol! Isnt' that just terrible? Hmmm? Maybe not. I guess it just makes me human.

Today, when my mom and I visited he didn't respond so much. The weather was so hot and he was uncomfortable. I asked my mom if he had an extra pairs of socks. I know how much I don't like socks while in bed, so I could only imagine how uncomfortable he was. I took a pair to the nurses station and asked if they had a pair of scissors I could borrow. Lol! I politely, cut the toes off the socks, handed the scissors back to the receptionist at the desk and said, "Thank you" with a smile. The tricky part was removing his heel protection boots and old socks. He is so tender, sore and stiff that I didn't want to hurt him by moving his legs too much. But I knew that if I removed the regular socks and replaced them with the ones I just cut so his toes would hang out, he would feel much cooler. Well it worked, with not too much aggravation to his legs. After wards, I asked if he felt better or at least a little cooler. He nodded his head in agreement and went back to sleep. But my mom and I could tell it was more of a peaceful sleep. So much so, he started to snore. :-)

Okay, so I confess: I still cried when I finally was at home.

--June